Don’t try to change your partner


People change when they do. You shouldn’t rush them or try to interfere. Leave it up to them. If you want that person – but you cannot accept them unless they change, then you don’t want that person. And if you still try to change them, your partner is the least of your problems.

Your problem may be that you want to be with many different people.

You are great but I wish you were more sensitive.

We are having fun together but I wish you would be more serious.

And the worst of them all:

We are great partners but I wish you had sex with me more often than you want.

When you try to project all your demands on the same person, you are bound to get disappointed.

How many relationships went into the ground because the partners spent their energies on streamlining their significant other into a prefabricated shape?

Everyone had fantasized about stability at home while they have the spark and adventure with a lover. And that is just one of the things you can love two people for – equally, but differently.

  • You want someone who is playful and childlike, rolling with you in colourful autumn leaves – but stern and dependable like a rich banker, looking out for you so you don’t have to.
  • You want him to be your dad – and your bad boy lover.
  • Sensitive and unafraid of tears – while simultaneously alluring with his distant manliness.
  • Letting you roam free and changing diapers unasked – while oozing a dominant macho scent.
  • Being celebrated on magazine covers for his business success – while spending his days with you, only working early mornings while you sleep in anyway.
  • You want to be financially and emotionally independent, but with a super strong safety net in his person. (I blame 50 shades…)
  • You want him to be an instinctive macho – but making love like a seasoned lesbian and knowing your erogenous zones without being told.
  • He should have strong abs and a wide shoulder – but shouldn’t spend too much time in the gym.

Oh, of course, I am wrong.

  • She should be stunning – but inexplicably shy in public and childishly dependent on your opinion only.
  • She must be a walking sex ad – but unaware of it and completely decent.
  • She must be spotless without make-up like an adolescent – but mature and consoling like a mother.
  • During the day, she should be awfully practical and fight for every penny in savings to make your favourite dinner. During the night she should be a porn actress, who honed her skill exclusively with you.
  • She should have a stunning teenage body – after effortlessly giving birth to your genius and well-fed children.
  • Let her be a great and witty conversationalist – after spending her days cooing to a three-year-old.
  • Let her respect traditional gender roles – but earn a lot because there is equality these days and you enjoy a good competition, and a second income.

All from the same person. Aren’t monogamous couples a great idea?

Sometimes, your success in changing them kills your relationship. Partners spend their energies trying to change each other – then sadly note that the spark is gone, their job is done, the other had indeed changed. Or took flight.

A non-monogamous relationship is a good lesson into what people are – and what they are not. Absent the terrible expectations of a one and only soul mate, you are free to love people for what they are.

You may even be allowed to be yourself.


Part 6: Know thyself…

Part 1: Lessons to learn from polyamory

Part 2: What is love? And what it is not…

Part 3: Jealousy is not part of love…

Part 4: There’s no such thing as a soulmate…

Part 7: There is no mind reading…

Part 8: Relationship roles, life scripts, and the death of love…

Part 9: You can’t play relationship games with more than one partner… 

And please don’t forget to follow us via Facebook

Image: “Les Revées Bohemians” a bridal collection by Galia Lahav

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