There is no such thing as a soul mate

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There is no such thing as one soul mate.

Not for 99.99% of us. And definitely not for life. And maybe even the rest of us are just extraordinarily good at adapting to each other and the situation.

I cannot not blame the frightening concept of a soul mate for the triumph of possessive love.

The idea of a soul mate is a by-product of the evolution of the content of marriage.

When marriage was merely a legal and financial contract, love was safely ignored. By adding romantic love to the list of demands on a spouse, we have just tightened the cage – instead of getting rid of it. We didn’t dare to question the institution of marriage outright, so we put more pressure on it – and on ourselves.

Today we have an impossibly long list of emotional, financial and social demands on our prospective partners. The idea that all our emotional and material needs should be fulfilled by a single person (for life) is evil. We should learn (and accept) that one partner can be rarely good for all our needs at all times – and live accordingly. We project impossible things on a future partner, beyond any reason. And that adds to the pressure that comes from a shared living space, friends and family.

We have already moved on from one partner for life – to serial monogamy. Maybe we’ll evolve even further and realise how irrational it was to demand one person to be everything for us. Normal people do change and grow. And if there is an expectation to fill in certain roles in another’s life, they will struggle. So when they grow, then can only grow apart.

And this is much easier to see, understand, and accept when you don’t limit yourself to one partner at a time. Then it is easier to allow them to be who they actually are – and love them for it.

There can be a lot of soul mates for all the stages we go through in our life. There can be even people who would be great companions throughout the entire journey. But fixating on the one and only reduced our chances a lot. It makes us project a lot of things on the person who is next to us right now. It increased the pressure until breaking point. It raises expectations and stops us from loving one another for what we are.

Next:

Part 5: Don’t try to change people. Really…

Part 2: What is love? And what it is not…

Part 3: Jealousy is not part of love…

Part 6: You absolutely have to figure out, who you are and what it is that you want…

Part 7: There is no mind reading…

Part 8: Relationship roles, life scripts, and the death of love…

Part 9: You can’t play relationship games with more than one partner… 

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