Everybody falls asleep after an orgasm. Just not after sex
Louis CK said about women who want to cuddle after the guy finished with sex.
“She’s not needy, you idiot, she is horny!”
That’s not a cuddle she wants…
In sex, antiquated gender roles make women reluctant, men unskilled, and both of them frustrated and calculating. These roles dictate that ‘no’ means ‘yes’. And all this happens because men (are told to) regard sex as basic need while women (are told to) withhold it until all other needs are met. Both are wrong.
Antiquated notions of masculinity and femininity are bad for everyone. Fight those – not each other.
There’s a clichéd mismatch between sexual arcs of men and women: that men want it all the time and women want it … never. Feminists blame it on the patriarchy, meninists blame it on women. Everyone blames it on the dysfunctional anatomy of women whose penis is apparently stuck inside.
Let’s take a look at how many ways gender indoctrination, acquired tastes, and expected attitudes ruin our sex lives.
1 . Women supposed to forget their own libido
I have written about how society has conditioned women not to have a libido. So they made it happen. For centuries. And it takes time to clear off their system.
The mismatch is rooted in how we (are conditioned to) view sex. Depending on whether you ask a stereotypical man or a stereotypical woman, it is either on the bottom or the top of the hierarchy of needs.
In other words, on the opposite ends of Maslow’s pyramid.
Men are told that sex is a basic need and deprivation makes them sick – like neglecting to breathe. Women are taught that sex is a celestial sacrament that chimes with the angels and is only to be practiced when every other need is safely fulfilled for eternity: food, air, love, social approval, money, world peace.
Both approaches are wrong.
Such people turn sex into something awful – even before they meet each other.
2. Old gender roles made men skill-free in bed
On one end of the scale, uncivilised, third world patriarchs take care of their basic needs during sex. They basically masturbate into women. When expressing sexual desires, boys are gently scolded – but then get a humble-bragging pat on the back: “Boys will be boys…” As in, a self-centered sexual behaviour is not what they do – it’s what they are. No free will or room for personal growth left for them.
This package is complete with making sure that women don’t enjoy sex – because virtue. If a girl expresses interest in sex she will be told that girls don’t have such thoughts. She already committed a thought crime and thought crimes are the sneakiest of them all. (Not on the victim because there is none. On the accused perpetrators.)
Third world countries and untamed religions circumcise their women with a dull blade. Our grandmothers and mothers circumcised us with words: good girls look away, good girls say no, and good girls only give it in exchange for legal status and monetary gains (aka. when all other needs are met). This is the unspoken other side of the coin: selling sex for status. Women of the “patriarchy” genuinely despise sex and expect material consolation for it. Such noble, pure things…
3. It turns relationships into horse trade
Imagine when these two beasts meet in bed. One is doing primitive in-and-out and knows that sex is whatever ends in ejaculation. The other one is being a resentful martyr, enduring the ordeal – and doesn’t even contemplate how she would like it. What use is to know when she is not supposed to ask for it?
For both of these role models, masturbation should be the way forward. If orgasm is a need, masturbation is your friend. If sex is a chore you should take care of your own orgasms. Don’t insult your man with your reluctant performance in exchange for manly duties – and don’t insult your woman with masturbating into her body.
Yes, women’s lower libido is a consequence of centuries of conditioning. So is men’s cluelessness about their partner’s idea of sex. But regardless of the cause of the mismatch – it keeps biting even after disappointing sex is finally over.
4. Because who wants to try THIS again with a new guy?
Let’s swap genders. Trust me, it helps thinking.
Imagine you are a guy having sex. You are finally getting horny when the woman interrupts it because she’s finished. You have no say in the matter – that’s how things work. She kisses you on the forehead and rolls over to sleep. You are left alone in the dark and try to (khm…) cuddle because you are still horny. But when you do that you are given the look and she calls you needy and nagging. So you finish alone in the bathroom – or go to sleep profoundly unsatisfied.
But of course, no one should put up with it. You should leave such a relationship, right? Leaving is all you can do if sex is not good because it is not masculine to bring it up. It would ruin her confidence. Solved it, right?
Would you happily go into your next sexual experiment after this? Would you happily try the next woman – hoping she would be more interested in your pleasure? When every new partner is a potential disappointment of this magnitude, would you try to score as many as possible?
No, you would look for a consolation in this particular disappointing woman – so you don’t have to have disappointing sex with many more of them before you find one to start The Program. And you are not supposed to be angry for her letting you down because she totally said that she wants you to enjoy it. She told you that “I want you to enjoy it” – and you’ve learned that it means that “I want you to enjoy whatever I want to do to you“. It doesn’t mean that she would change her sexual routine to please you. (OK, she is willing to do you anally if that’s your secret wish.)
Remember this the next time when women are reluctant to say yes and/or only care about status. Maybe they are just good, old-fashioned, traditional women who thankfully dislike feminism and adhere to gender roles. Those kind ladies will hate sex and want your money as a consolation.
But the real damage is still to come.
5. When ‘no’ means “look how virtuous I am”
Aren’t you tired about rape culture debates and the sexual consent misery? Why do you think it’s so hard to get it right?
Not because of each other but because gender indoctrination dictates sick attitudes. How many romantic fairy tales have you seen and heard where virtuous women’s resistance had to be overcome for a happy ending? She couldn’t say yes and shyly walked away – only to have her resistance overcome by the very guy she secretly wanted? Not another one by mistake…
All the ingredients are there:
- Good girls have to say ‘no’ to prove their virtue/purity/value etc.
- Men have to look for virtue/purity/value etc.
- Men don’t want sexual experience in women – it is not necessary for sex according to the old dogma. Men regard it forgivable, even desirable that she has no idea what she wants.
- Men are written off as aggressive, sexual animals to whom visual clues are “overwhelming”
- While women have to decide blindly and don’t have a visual cue for sex.
- No one trusts their own judgement so they only want what they can’t have
- So resistance becomes a yardstick of value and desirability
- Because if she sleeps even with me – she must be worthless.
Now let’s perform another role swap to facilitate a bit of empathy.
Imagine you’re a woman at a party and you like a man. You are supposed to make the move, he can’t. You wouldn’t even appreciate him if he did. So you initiate sex. He says ‘no’, but smiling politely.
But he is supposed to say ‘no’ to remain desirable. So that’s the right answer – but not a useful one. It doesn’t signal anything. If he said ‘yes’ you would even wonder what’s wrong with him.
He’s still very relaxed so you stick around and ask him again. He says ‘no’ again – this time he is apologetic. He says his father told him to. But is it an excuse or is it still virtue signalling? Is it just part of the decency game or is it an actual ‘no’? He would leave the party if he felt uncomfortable, right? Besides, if not you then who initiates? If you wait until men ask you to have sex or say ‘yes’ without being pestered, you’ll wait forever.
On top of all this you’re also conditioned to practically lick men’s skin with your eyes – aka. the “visual type”. So you let your eyes wander while the man keeps looking at the floor. But that’s what he’s supposed to be looking, so that’s okay. You get horny. You get ideas about his body. He gets ideas about the texture of the carpet, if anything. But you are super motivated and project your own excitement on him. He is not.
But how would you know that? He is still at the party. Is it not supposed to be a signal? You ask for a third time.
He calls the police.
Confused? I thought so.
In a religious or traditionalist upbringing ‘no’ means “look I’m a good girl” and ‘no’ means “I am valuable because I am hard to get”. And you have to sort out which ‘no’ is a “fuck off” and which one is a religious residue.
Genders blame each other for the ‘no’ means ‘yes’ conundrum, but they really should blame gender roles. Even if they happen to be good at it. Everyone would be better off reevaluating “innocent” truisms such as inexperience is desirable in women. And men should give up the idea that they don’t need to be desirable and try hard in bed.
Or everyone just go and masturbate. That may actually be a basic need. Not sex.
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Photo Credit: Laurent Nivalle @Tumblr